Expressing Who You Are
You'd think it'd be pretty easy being yourself..right? What is it about living in today's world that makes it so uneasy being who we truly are? I personally find the pressure of "perfectionism" gets me pretty good.
In late 2014 I decided my life needed a change..so I started working out and eating healthier. This started to shift my life in a more positive way....so I thought. Working out and looking better physically boosted my ego to become a more self centered, cocky type person. I felt better than other people and judged them for being out of shape and unhealthy.
I then took this "obsession" a little further and went vegan. Now, I initially went vegan from watching documentaries about farming and agriculture, and was instantly hooked on the idea that vegan was the way for all. A few weeks into me becoming vegan I noticed detox symptoms like headaches, nausea, cravings, etc. But then the headaches lasted more than a week, my skin broke out a little and I didn't feel good. This progressed but then slightly backed off over time.
I spoke with a holistic nutritionist and she mentioned that what I was undergoing wasn't detoxing, it was my body rejecting my vegan diet. But I didn't want to listen. Surely I'd be fine.
Months past and I became addicted to eating clean and would not allow myself to eat anything that was "bad" for me. I became overly obsessed about being thin and incredibly stressed about not letting myself eat what I wanted. I felt bad for wanting some sweets every once in a while. I wouldn't eat out and refused to admit that I was becoming narcissistic.
Anyway, both Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2015 and 2016 I really wanted to indulge in some turkey and ham...but would not allow myself too. I became bitter and agitated and irritated. I just wanted to eat some meat. I became so strict on myself that I began to judge and ridicule every area of my life. I was keeping myself under a microscope and thought everyone was judging me. How could I start eating eggs or meat if I wanted, after claiming to be vegan? What would others think of me? What would I think of me?
The fear of others judging me was really a fear of my own judgments. Identifying myself as a vegan put so much pressure on me, it's no wonder there are some bitter vegans out there. I was right there too. There is no one special remedy for every person on Earth. Everyone's bodies are different and unique, as are out tastes and wants. I believe we should continue to eat healthy, but with a healthy mindset about what we are eating.
I use to eat cookies quite often..but instead of enjoying them for pleasure, I would have unpleasant thoughts in my head about how wrong it was for me to be eating them and how the sugar would effect my skin and how I'd gain weight or something like that...My thoughts going into what I was eating weren't good...and the effects weren't either. My toxic relationship with food caused (and IS causing) health issues, skin issues, mental issues, etc.
It wasn't until the other day that I realized how strict and uptight I am..because I'm choosing to be. I'm choosing to be (and have been) overlly obsessive about my body image, what I eat, and what people think of me.
Well, this year is a new year and a time for change indeed. I'm ready to let go of these limiting beliefs about what I can and cannot have. I'm ready to start eating what I want to eat without fear behind it. I'm ready to commit even more to being more relaxed within myself. I'm ready to practice loving myself daily. I'm ready to start unconditionally loving myself, my boyfriend, and those around me. I can feel that this is a time for change and I'm grateful that my mentality is becoming so clear about this.
It's time for me to step up. Time for me to own my vibration and clean up my energy. Time for me to shift my thoughts to more loving/positive ones. Time for me to let myself be myself fully, without fear of what others will think/say/do.
I'm ready for this new year. Are you?