Speaking My Truth

What does it mean when we're judging people? How is that a reflection of something internal. What does it mean when we feel anger towards someone? How is that a projection of something going on within. What does it mean when I feel insecure around someone? How do I continue to allow others to dim my own light. Why do I have a hard time committing to something? What is it that's keeping me from moving? Why do I eat food when I start to not feel good? Sugary chocolaty foods that never make me feel good in the end. What am I running from?

There's something there...something trying to arise within me that I'm running away from. I've noticed it for a while now. An energy of some sort, overwhelming at that, begins to arise within me and I panic at the unfamiliar feeling of it, and run to the fridge and eat a chocolate bar or some sort of sweet. To the point of over eating until very full, so my mind and body are both distracted from whatever was happening.

I noticed I picked up this habit in my last relationship. I was ignoring the truth of how unhappy I was, and I shoved down all the guilt and embarrassment I felt. So I ask myself, why am I still running? I'm starting to think it's just an acquired habit now, from practicing it so much. I start to feel it and I eat to avoid it...but that's just it. I'm clearly keeping myself from healing. There is something wanting to be released and I am physically stopping this from happening....

Maybe it's all that scary, "shameful" energy that I pushed down all those months trying to surface and make its way out of my consciousness..It's getting to the point now where I'm tired of running. I'm tired of eating food that doesn't make me feel good. I'm tired of doing things I genuinely don't want to do anymore..

So, what now? I'm curious now, about what's trying to rise...what if it's truly magical? What if the unfamiliar feeling is actually a huge release, the one I've been wanting... How do I stay committed to allowing? How do I stay committed to my practice? How do I surrender? How do I let go?

I judge other people for not staying committed to something..because I can't do it myself. I judge others who are flaky and don't always show up, because I don't either. I judge other people who aren't aware of something they're clearly either doing or not doing, because I judge myself for not always being aware. 

When you recognize others triggering you, it's a big lesson for you to realize about yourself. That you're viewing something other than what your true self sees it as, and that you're most likely harboring the same habits. We're all human, sharing similar qualities.

I notice I harbor a lot of pain and hurt in my belly area, near my solar plexus chakra. It hurts when I push on it, so I've began to lay on a yoga block to help push out some of this stuck stagnation, and boy does it hurt. I've held back my truth for a while, so my neck is constantly trying to crack and open. I can see yoga is the key to helping open me up to releasing all this trapped energy. But how do I commit? How do I keep going? How do I aspire to be better?

Well, I think routine will help me. I've been living off of my artwork and haven't had a set schedule of any time, and this has created a lack of motivation to keep moving. I begin a new job on Tuesday, so that is going to help me stay on track.

This is the opportunity I've been ready for for a while now. To take myself on the journey of picking myself up, connecting with my emotions and what they're hear to share with me, how to stay connected to my innermost self, how to nurture that connection, and how to create a guide on how to do all of it, so that I can help you with it as well. We're raised to push down our emotions and to judge them as good or bad. Well, they're neither..and the sooner I begin to realize this within myself, the better. Because when I become connected to who I am, when I can hear the whisper within me speaking so clearly, when I can understand my emotions and the connection to them, when I can figure out what blocks me from keeping going, then...then I will truly be here, living each moment as clear and present than ever before.


I'm excited to share the progress of this all with you..we all want to be happy, and I'm determined to use myself as my own subject, to create a guide to help others find their own truth.