Flickers At The Zoo

Mike and I went to the Toledo zoo today. We had heard from a couple people how much nicer it is than the Detroit zoo, however I wasn't as impressed as I assumed I would be. This leaves Mike and I on another upcoming adventure to the Detroit zoo, to form our own personal opinion of this. It was nice though, spending the day with him, walking and talking and observing people around us.

I had a few things come to my awareness today that I felt pretty good about. One of them being, that I have some sort of fear of looking into peoples eyes. Looking at their faces and their expression. This brought me to another thought....the thought that I'm fearful of seeing peoples reactions to me and what I say or do. Then I realized I am also fearful of my own reactions to things. This has me feeling uncomfortable.

How strange...so I started to ponder on the thought of all of this. What could have happened to me when I was younger, for me to form the belief that showing expression was bad? The idea that seeing other people react to situations was bad as well? Or not worth seeing...

When I was younger, my mom and I weren't on the best of terms. I had a strong resistance to her and got irritated easily. She use to flick me in the face when I'd get in trouble, or when I would physically express how annoyed I was for her asking something of me. Mind you, my mother is a kind woman, this is not to make it seem as if she meant to hurt me. You have to recognize, everyone acts the way that they do for a reason. Maybe they were treated a certain way when they were younger by their own parents and learned behaviors and modes of action through experience and observation. The trail continues backwards. 

Anyway, this is the first and only thought that has come through on why I might be fearful of truly expressing how I feel, for fear of reaction from those around me (or being hurt). I also have a hard time looking into peoples eyes, and really seeing them...Probably because I have a hard time really looking at myself and why I am the way that I am.

So I bought a book called Womb Wisdom, after hearing about it from a video I watched on youtube. There was a section describing a meditation in the beginning of the book and I gave it a try. It was about focusing your attention upon your womb, while sitting on the ground with the soles of your feet together and your hands in an inverted triangle over this area. You were to breathe into and focus upon this area, and imagine an ex lover standing in front of you. I imagined my most recent partner, longest relationship yet. He was standing right in front of me, and I could see him very clearly. The shoes he was wearing, his shorts, his shirt and his zip up, his necklace and his hat. I then imagined where our cords of attachment were. I started to see in my minds eye, 3 cords. One coming out of my right front shoulder, my heart or my solar plexus area, and my womb area or possibly my sacral chakra. I focused upon the lowest one, and breathed into it. I started to see an image of the two of us from a photograph we had taken of us. I saw memories replaying for me, memories of betrayal, disgust, hurt, pain, lies. I was taken back to a night of intoxication at a club. We were both under the influence of a drug, and I saw behaviors in him I wasn't pleased with...and this was early in our relationship of 3 years.

He was walking up to other women, telling them how beautiful they were. Telling them what he thought about their physical appearance. I expressed my feelings on the matter, that I didn't like it. He didn't seem to understand, for he then stopped another beautiful woman and told her that I thought she was beautiful....she smiled and said thank you. He was trying to prove a point. However I realize now, he was trying to do so by disrespecting me, and lying to her. He agreed not to do it anymore, yet later that night I noticed he wasn't standing next to me, and had gone over to that same girl.

I regret not taking my keys and leaving. I regret having sex with him that night. I regret not standing up for myself. I regret letting myself be made a fool of. I let myself give away my power. I can feel all of these, and know that it is okay to be okay with what happened. I saw other memories flash by, memories of him expressing his darkness, memories of me letting myself be played over and over, me letting myself be hurt, me being fake, me being in-genuine, me lying to myself, me staying...

I raised my hands with a big inhale and exhaled as I cut this cord. I repeated this 2 more times, and then allowed myself to focus upon what came out of that relationship that was positive. I recognized it made me realize I wanted true love, someone who wouldn't lie, someone who wouldn't touch another woman when I wasn't around, someone who was loyal, kind, sweet, gentle, strong, masculine, protective, encouraging, true, real, aware, intelligent, confident, funny, wise, beautiful. I was surrounded by so much of what I did not like or want, only to help me realize what it was that I truly desired...Which I now see to be Mike, my fiance.....FINACE. wow. This has all happened in just over a year. Me meeting this man, growing closer and now in a space of wanting to spend our lives together...

I realized today more of myself. I realized how important I am to him, just as he is to me. I am his sweetheart, and he is my handsome man. 

I am taking an adventurous trip in 2 months..I wasn't planning to tell anyone but Mike, however I feel safe expressing it here. I plan to go to Peru to partake in several ceremonies of healing through plant medicine. Details will most likely come later, but there are things I'm wanting to let go of, there are questions I seek answers too, and healing I wish upon myself.

I know I care too much about what others think of me. I know I am insecure and fear my feelings. I know I struggle with expressing my emotions and genuine self. I also know that I have a confusion and blockage with sexual energy, and know there are wounds and confusion I seek healing for. To truly let go of things that are holding me back from living, from being alive in the present moment, for fully expressing and receiving the love of my relationship with my beloved husband to be. 

It's going to be a crazy ride...that's for sure. Especially going on my own.

I also hope to take yoga teacher training once I'm back, and start walking the path I'd like to live, with no fear.