Shedding Layers | How I Traumatized Myself To Heal
Sooooooo, let’s talk about my hair.
On January 8th of 2018 I cut my hair. My hair was the longest it had EVER been, and it’s ALL I ever wanted. I use to wear extensions in high school because I wanted long hair so much. I grew up believing your beauty is what made you. Looks & money were what mattered most about you, what validated you as a “worthy” woman.
I cut my hair in January because I was working at the Car Wash Mike & I owned, and it would get so tangled from wearing a hat all winter I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I cut it to manage the discomfort.
That definitely wasn’t easy, I cried often, I missed my hair and felt weird without it. I couldn’t style it the way I liked and I felt more bare, more vulnerable. Vulnerability is something I didn’t know about most of my life. Other peoples vulnerability would annoy me and make me feel uncomfortable, and I can recognize now that that’s because I didn’t posses the ability to let my walls down, so poking at others (in my head) made the most sense.
I still defined my beauty by physical features; my hair, skin, the way my body was shaped. It was still never enough, I still didn’t know how to love myself or be kinder to myself or to feel gratitude for who I was.
So, on June 17th of 2018 I shaved my head. I was sick, not feeling my best, and did it spur in the moment. Mike shaved it for me (no I did not donate my hair-the idea didn’t come to mind. Don’t judge). If I were feeling my best, I’ll tell you what, I probably wouldn’t have shaved my head. But I didn’t know how to feel my best…so I was lost.
The first few days were easy. I actually liked the change and the lightness. But that feeling faded Q U I C K L Y.
Every woman who I’ve ever seen shave their head (only via the internet) always talked about how freeing and liberating and enjoyable it is. That was NOT the case for me.
I straight up TRAUMATIZED myself. I spiraled even deeper into my depression. Wondering what the hell I just did!?!?!
What was happening to me?
I’ll tell you. I was doing everything I could to surrender, to let go of what I was holding on to. And that was caring more about what others thought about me, than what I thought about myself. I didn’t know how to love myself when I had “my perfect body” and “perfect long hair”. I prayed every day for a solution, to feel happy, to enjoy life, to like myself, to feel vulnerable and soft..and nothing changed, nothing worked. So, I shaved it off.
I never thought I would have to experience my hair growing from scratch. I never wanted short hair, never liked short hair, and always wanted it long. It’s been an interesting journey of trying to accept the change I forced upon myself. Mike was a big help and a HUGE support through the whole process. He thought I was even MORE beautiful after I shaved it, he said he could see ME more. Which was the whole goal…to stop hiding.
I am so grateful for such a loving supportive husband. I’ve had many woman come up to me and say they wish they could shave their heads too, but they’re husband/partner/boyfriend would not approve. So, for my sweetheart, I am eternally thankful.
It’s been just over 4 months now of growing my hair out, and it’s taken me about 3 months to get over the fact that I did it. I’m a slow shifter when it comes to drastic change, it freaks me the hell out and I can’t seem to accept it until a few months pass by.
I’m finally entering into the realm I wanted. I’m finally appreciating who I am for who I am, and letting myself BE my true self. I didn’t know how to do that when I had “all the things”, but I had to learn, once I let it all go.
I can honestly say, I wake up and feel more energized, I feel more alive and more excited for a new day! I wake up excited for my life, and am more grateful than I’ve ever been.
I love my job SO much, I love my work schedule SO much, I love my husband, my animals, my family, our vehicles, our house and EVERYTHING in it! I never knew how to feel this, I never knew how to find contentment in my own mind and freedom from negative outlooks.
I’m finally feeling happy, finally loving my body, finally loving ME.
And I have myself to thank for that. My bravery to FORCE the change upon myself, instead of staying stagnant and living a life for others.
I hope this message inspires you to take action in your life. It may be hard, but i’m here with/for you. Change things up, do something different, help yourself grow. It’s worth it, it’s worth the hardship and the leap. Just try, I believe in you.
I see you.